Me….On a Budget

I never thought that I would be living pay-check to pay-check at 40.  That’s essentially where I am.  I have a career that I love, but it won’t make me rich.  I have debt up to my eyeballs from my divorce and the quick sale of our large new house that we purchased about 6 months before we split.   All of these things combined with the mounting expenses of raising two boys.  At times, the gravity of it all is crushing, truly crushing.

When I’m at my best (well-rested, no PMS, etc.), I can see my potential and I can know that I’m only going up from this point.  Child-care expenses will decrease, earnings will increase, savings will begin to accumulate and things will only get better.  But when I’m “down in it”, I can’t see this reason and I can’t picture the positive future.  I have to write myself notes and affirmations reminding me of my potential and that I am capable of providing for my boys.

I can provide, but at what level?  Will it be enough?  Will my boys feel the stresses of the lifestyle that I chose for them?  These are the questions that keep me up at night.

The summer is upon us and what should be a carefree time is my most financially stressful time of the year.  My childcare expenses are sky-high since school is out and I have to pay for full-time care for my boys.  My ex chooses not to take advantage of the 4 weeks that he is entitled to in the summer.  This translates into HUGE expenses for me each summer.

I also have the reality of knowing that I could have planned better.  There – I said it.  There was money earlier in the year (from bonuses and tax-refunds) that I could have socked away.  Don’t get me wrong, there were no crazy shopping sprees, but I could and should have held onto a little of that money for a rainy day (or a long hot summer!).  It’s hard for me to admit that, but I feel better doing it!  I know that I will make better choices next time.

Talking about finances makes me feel like I’m drowning.  For today, this blog is my life raft.  It’s so strange to put it “out there”, but I want to feel the reality of my situation.  I want to feel it with all of its crushing heaviness.  Only then can I begin to let it go.

Signing off for today J