Single Mom Seeking Single Mom

I’d love to meet another mom in my same situation.  Someone with which to commiserate and someone who understands this crazy life!  I have this beautiful scenario in my mind of me and another mom sharing a glass of wine or a cup of coffee while the kids play happily.  I don’t think it’s a complete fairytale.

I’ve done a little research.  I’ve looked into some MeetUp groups.  These were mostly activities for single parents and I was surprised that there were a lot of guys who joined these groups.  It made it seem more like a singles group than a group for parents looking to vent and bond.  Although I’m not religious in a traditional sense, I also looked into single parent groups at churches.  Not much luck here, but I did discover that even some of the more liberal churches in my area seem to view single parenting as an unfortunate hardship.  Here is an excerpt from a local church group’s web-site….

“The Single Parent Action Network (SPAN) provides emotional support and resources as you bravely try to be the best parent you can be. We can't change the legal system, but we can provide role models of parents who have survived being a single parent. We can't give you the financial support you need and deserve, but we can help you balance your checkbook and help you see beyond your last $5.00. We can't take away your suffering, but we can walk that path with you and give you support when the struggle wears you down. Come to SPAN and meet other single parents who are on the same journey as you. The fellowship lets you know that you are not alone. “

Are they serious?  “We can’t take away your suffering”?  The same church has fun activities for married couples of all ages, retired people and young singles, but they assume that a single parent can’t balance a checkbook?  Of course I can see the irony here.  My last post was about living paycheck to paycheck and maybe I was a little dramatic; however, I’d like to be given a little more credit.  I also think that it’s really great that this church is providing some fellowship to these “suffering” parents – I do!  I just wish that they weren’t making a blanket assumption that all single parents are down-on-their luck and hanging on by a thread.  It’s hard friggin’ work!  But, I’m also a busy professional and a person who enjoys having fun with other adults and with my kiddos.

I know she’s out there!  My single mom sister is waiting somewhere with a moderately priced bottle of Pinot Grigio.  I think she must be looking for me too J

Me….On a Budget

I never thought that I would be living pay-check to pay-check at 40.  That’s essentially where I am.  I have a career that I love, but it won’t make me rich.  I have debt up to my eyeballs from my divorce and the quick sale of our large new house that we purchased about 6 months before we split.   All of these things combined with the mounting expenses of raising two boys.  At times, the gravity of it all is crushing, truly crushing.

When I’m at my best (well-rested, no PMS, etc.), I can see my potential and I can know that I’m only going up from this point.  Child-care expenses will decrease, earnings will increase, savings will begin to accumulate and things will only get better.  But when I’m “down in it”, I can’t see this reason and I can’t picture the positive future.  I have to write myself notes and affirmations reminding me of my potential and that I am capable of providing for my boys.

I can provide, but at what level?  Will it be enough?  Will my boys feel the stresses of the lifestyle that I chose for them?  These are the questions that keep me up at night.

The summer is upon us and what should be a carefree time is my most financially stressful time of the year.  My childcare expenses are sky-high since school is out and I have to pay for full-time care for my boys.  My ex chooses not to take advantage of the 4 weeks that he is entitled to in the summer.  This translates into HUGE expenses for me each summer.

I also have the reality of knowing that I could have planned better.  There – I said it.  There was money earlier in the year (from bonuses and tax-refunds) that I could have socked away.  Don’t get me wrong, there were no crazy shopping sprees, but I could and should have held onto a little of that money for a rainy day (or a long hot summer!).  It’s hard for me to admit that, but I feel better doing it!  I know that I will make better choices next time.

Talking about finances makes me feel like I’m drowning.  For today, this blog is my life raft.  It’s so strange to put it “out there”, but I want to feel the reality of my situation.  I want to feel it with all of its crushing heaviness.  Only then can I begin to let it go.

Signing off for today J

Blogging Virgin No More!

I’m a single mom of two boys.  I rarely throw around the term “single mom”.   This is mainly because I do have help in this adventure of raising these two boys.   My ex-husband is a great dad, pays child support on time every month, and co-parents with me quite nicely (most of the time).

Said ex-husband gained that “ex” title for no dramatic reason (although it may have been dramatic to him).  He never cheated.  He never abused me.  He is a good person.  I just fell out of love.  I had nothing more to say to him and I couldn’t imagine spending the rest of my life with him.  He is complex, analytical, passive aggressive and I had major trouble communicating with him every day.  I of course contributed to our challenges, but I’ll save that for another post (a long post!).

People think you are crazy when you leave a perfectly respectable person.  No one rushes to your aid.  If your husband dies in a car crash or he cheats, you become the victim and you are enveloped by those around you.  This is not the case when you do the leaving.  I knew this would be the case and I was ready.  Although cliché, we have created a “new normal”.  I have much less money now and much more stress about being the primary bread-winner, but I am happy.  I think I am happy. I’m working towards happy.

There are days when the kids are driving me bonkers and I think “How the hell did I end up here?”.  I know this is normal and I know that most moms (single or not) feel the same way.  I don’t expect to be perfect, but I try to handle it all with grace.  Someone once compared me to Grace Kelly (GK).  I must say that I look NOTHING like GK.  An acquaintance told me that I was always so put together and that I reminded her of GK.  This acquaintance was a very young and very sweet co-worker.  I can only imagine that she doesn’t really know much about GK and that must be how this crazy correlation came about.  Anyway, I try to think of GK when I’m handling things with Grace (cheesy, I know!).  When my 5 year old pukes in the back seat of my 15 year old station wagon (motion sickness, this happens a lot), I channel GK.  Well, I channel her grace.  There is nothing graceful about cleaning up puke and I know that GK had people to do this for her, but you get my point!

I’m working my way through this adventure of parenthood, managing my career, staying committed to what I am most passionate about and trying to make ends meet.  It’s a crazy life and I’m really looking forward to putting it all out there!  Even if no one reads any of my rambling posts, the fact that I am posting will help me keep my focus.

Signing off for today J